The Worst Day

I've said the phrase above hundreds of times as a hyperbole regarding days that just stunk. Today's tale is about the literal worst day of my life so, it's pretty heavy subject matter.

The day was about one week after we found out that one of our twins (our son) was going to be born with a cleft lip. We had received that news at the 20 week ultrasound and handled it really well (in my humble opinion). We knew it was something that wasn't life threatening and was fixable, so while we may have had some worry, overall we were ok with this surprise.

We were referred to a Neonatologist and made an appointment to meet with him. On that day, we did an ultra sound and got all the regular stats from the babies. The doctor came in after he got the ultra sound report to chat with us. I don't recall the exact conversation leading up to the moment that made this the worst day of my life, but I'll do my best to recreate it.

The doctor mentioned that we were there to see him so that he could keep a close eye on our little guy. He mentioned that sometimes a cleft lip is an isolated birth defect but that other times it occurs as a result of a larger problem- a chromosomal abnormality. I asked what that meant. He continued and explained that a chromosomal abnormality meant that there were 3 of one chromosome instead of 2. Trisomy 21, for example, is more commonly known as Down Syndrome. But then there was also the possibility of Trisomy 13;a condition that most often results in a baby's "failure to thrive"... by this he meant failing to live.

I asked "how many fail to thrive?"
Reply: All of them...

At that moment I remember that the ultrasound image was still on the tv screen. I looked at the little being that was my son and all of a sudden I felt terrified that I would lose him.

As the doctor passed me a tissue, he let us know that we could find out for sure if our son had one of these conditions by doing an amnio centisis which he could do right then and there if we chose to do so.

We asked for some time to discuss and as soon as the door closed I crumpled onto my husband and sobbed. The possibility of losing our son, our little baby, who we had wanted for so long was too much. But that wasn't the only thing. I had a recollection of an experience that I'd had long ago. One that I had forgotten over the years of our trying to get pregnant, but in this moment it sprung to mind and took my breath away. I had to tell Nathan... had to tell him that this situation may be my fault.

Years before, as I was praying one night I prayed that we would PLEASE get pregnant. Even if it was a baby,whose time on Earth were to be short, I would accept that and just be grateful for the chance to be a mom.

Is this what was happening now? Did our son have this condition? This death sentence? There was only one way to find out and so we went ahead and did the amnio.

The ensuing week was torture as we waited to hear back. We wondered what we would do if he did have Trisomy 13. We prayed for everything to turn out to be fine but IF NOT and our son did have a condition could it please be Trisomy 21?

After what seemed like an eternity (just over a week) we got the good news that the cleft was an isolated condition, unattached to more serious circumstances. We celebrated- by finally- BREATHING.

*Note: After proofreading this I realize there are still a lot of missing details but I suppose I cannot really go back to the place I was in just yet. Maybe one day I'll feel the need to flesh out a few more details, but at this time, I think that's as much as I need to say. :)