I cried when we left the hospital, already aware that this meant the kids were "old enough" to be allowed out of the confines of the hospital. "Have four days in the hospital already passed??" I wondered.
A few days after that, Nathan and I were watching t.v. If I remember accurately it was a show on PBS about some animals. I think it was supposed to be touching. Nathan got up to get something and when he returned I had tears streaming down my face. His little heart melted just a little bit for his wife who has a soft spot for animals in her heart. "Honey" ,he said, "are you crying because of the show?" A little knowing smile played at the corner of his mouth.
"What?" I said, coming out of my reverie."No, I wasn't even watching really." I still have tears falling down my face at this point. Now honestly perplexed, my husband inquired why I was crying.
"It's already been a whole week since the kids were born. They are a week old. This is going by too fast!" I believe he chuckled before he hugged me.
A couple of weeks later a similar scene unfolded. This time it had to do with putting the kids down in their cribs, all on their own, for the night. Up until this point we hadn't really used their room for anything other than diaper changing.
As we laid them down(each in their own crib) I realized how incredibly small they looked. How could we just leave them in there all night on their own?? We turned on the monitor and walked out.
We stood in the kitchen and, again, I cried. My hubs wondered if I was going to demand a video monitor for the kids. I said I didn't think so. I asked if we were rushing this whole "on their own" thing. He said we would have to do it at some point and we should just "see how it goes".
"Ok" I said. "But maybe we should say a prayer." He agreed and waited for me to start. I got one word out before I got choked up and couldn't continue. I asked him to pray instead, which he of course did.
I'm sure that's the only reason why nothing disastrous happened to my precious little babies on their first night "alone".
Those moments have certainly become more rare than common at this point, but I so wanted for time to just slow down. That was a total 180 from my sentiments as little as a year before we got pregnant. At that point I just wanted to "hurry up" the whole getting pregnant thing (as if I had control of that at all).
When CoBe started his first appointments with the cleft lip team I also wanted to just hurry things up and fast forward to his lip repair surgery. I wanted to skip the weekly exams, the putting in, taking out and cleaning of his "retainer", and the daily application and removal of his face tape. Yet, when the time for that first surgery was near I very badly wanted time to slow down again. While I knew it was necessary and indeed beneficial for him to have the surgery, I wasn't ready to say goodbye to his sweet little split lip that I had loved from the moment I laid eyes on him.
What is nice though, is to be able to look back on those moments of worry and frustration, the moments of "please just hurry" and "please just slow down" and see how everything worked out. I am a better and stronger person because of those experiences, and I wouldn't think of trading them, even if I could.
(Bonus: A little snippet of that cute face)
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